Moving forward

I just returned from a visit to the US. I was home for four weeks. Throughout the first three, I seriously considered cancelling my flight back to South Africa. The months leading up to the trip were some of the most trying of my life. I was very often confused, frustrated, angry, and on occasion, scared. I was exposed to a side of South Africa that until then, I had only heard or read about – the darker side; the South Africa where friends terrorize friends for their own gain; where lives and livelihoods are under constant threat; where evil reigns supreme. I stood witness while iTEACH painfully extracted poison from a deep wound; I learned first hand how alcohol and drug abuse can destroy relationships and threaten a career; and I knowingly sent my students home to physical and emotional abuse every Sunday. I felt a growing weight on my chest and sickness in my stomach like I had never known before. At times, I was so stunned and incredulous that I questioned reality. This can’t be happening, can it? But it did happen, all of it. And I was there.

Add to this, a daily battle with Edendale Hospital management over readying a new office space, launching a study for the HIV self-test kit, and preparing for a meeting in another hemisphere that would largely determine my future at iTEACH. The little girl in me wanted to crawl under a bed and cry; I wanted to go to sleep and wake up from a bad dream; I wanted out. But when I looked to Krista and I looked to Mary and to the rest of the iTEACH staff, they weren't hiding; they weren't running away; they were moving forward.

I carried their strength, this little piece of optimism back to the US with me. But I was no less relieved when the plane left the runway and South Africa faded away in the distance. Somehow, being so high above made the hurt and fear feel as small as the trees and houses below me. And I found comfort in the thought that I was heading towards something wonderful: the love of my friends and family. Every smile, laugh and touch; kind, familiar faces; meals shared, days filled with nothing, and early bed times were greatly needed – pure love and happiness, untainted by what I had seen and heard during the months previous. It wasn't long before the pressure on my chest and sickness in my stomach subsided and warmth oozed back into my heart. I suddenly remembered why I left home in the first place – to share the beautiful gifts I was given.

This is my second night back in South Africa, and I am smiling as I write this. I want to be here. There may still be dark days ahead, but I am not afraid. In fact, I'm feeling quite brave.